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alternative energy sources

n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy

n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick

n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare

n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change

n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism

n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom

n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy

n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News

fict. Faux news.

free markets

n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God

n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth

n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus

n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest

n. No tree left behind.

honesty

n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives

n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness

n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time

n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)

n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives

n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11

n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind

riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society

n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act

n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life

adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate

n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy

v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course

interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

voter fraud

n. A significant minority turnout.

"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." —Bill Maher

"You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining." —Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." —Seth Meyers

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." —David Letterman

"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice." —Jay Leno

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words." –Jimmy Fallon

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers

"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit." –Tina Fey, in an appearance on David Letterman

"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." -David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno