Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes Defination

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1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs 2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral. 3. I intend to live forever… or die trying. 4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober. 5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair. 7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted? 8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame. 9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters. 10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef. 

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!

Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.

What's inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $ bill

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.

I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.

Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.

I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?

Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

Why can’t an idiot dial ? -- He can’t find the on the phone!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

If out of people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? -- Damn

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!

Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!

What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated? -- He works it out with a pencil

Granddad, what's the best thing about being ? -- No peer pressure

Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.

What do you do if a bird shits on your car? -- Don't ask her out again.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.

What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs

For Christmas, I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex? A:Depends, if I can find the phone!

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

Make crime pay, become a lawyer.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!

What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? A. I just love baskin’ robins.

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!”

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um

What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.

Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in months? -- The box said - years!

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.

What's the difference between a '' pizza and a musician? -- A " pizza can feed a family of four.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry.

I have glamour shots of my balls.

Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look? A: Duh!

How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key!

The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.

Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!

What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" Swine flu?

Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff

Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!

Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it’ll kill them!

What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Only is American will you see "poor" fat people.

A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way.

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes