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Irish Jokes Definition

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Irish people speak English; but it's an Irish sort of English, which can take some getting used to. So, if you are going to have any chance making your way round the island, a few helpful tips on the local vocabulary would be helpful.

How To Say Hello

Greetings tend to vary from place to place. In the southeast it might be 'Well, boy'; while up north you might be greeted with 'Bout ye'. In parts of Dublin it could be 'Howyiz', while in County Cork you might be confronted with 'Howsitgoin' boy'? A more rural equivalent is 'How's she cuttin'?' A suitable reply is 'Grand altogether' if you are in good form, or 'Survivin' if not.

Having Fun

1 of, relating to, or characteristic of Ireland, its people, their Celtic language, or their dialect of English

2 Informal, offensive ludicrous or illogical

Irish people like having fun, and have many words to describe this national propensity. Even "fun" has its own word - the crack - spelled craig.

Inebriation and the Irish

Drunkenness, for some strange reason, has a rich lexicon in Ireland. You can be ossified, fluthered, in the horrors, langers, locked, paralytic, plastered, scuttered, stocious, twisted and sozzled, to name but a few - so many different words to mean the same thing.

Miscellaneous Funny Irish Phrases

Wayward children are never naughty - they are bold.

To be tired or broken down is to be banjaxed or knackered.

To procrastinate or delay something is to put it on the long finger.

A sub-standard dwelling is called a kip.

If someone is annoying you, they are blaggarding.

To ask someone to be quiet you might say whisht!

A scratcher is a bed, and the jacks is a toilet.

To emphasise something the word fierce is often used, as in 'fierce hard' [ie difficult] or 'he has a fierce strong accent'. The words quare8or awful can also be used to denote emphasis.

To accomplish something quickly is to do it fairly lively.

Shenanigans refers to intrigue, trickery or hidden manoeuvres designed to effect a certain outcome.

Will and Guy's Top Twenty Funny Irish Phrases

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

The longest road out is the shortest road home.

The Irish are very fair people; they never speak well for one another.

A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it's out of the churn, the more you shake it, the more sour it grows.

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice.

One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde (He was the master of the Irish phrase)

Thanks to the BBC for help in compiling this material.

Irish Leprechauns

Many cultures have fairies as part of their folklore, but few have little people with such a rich source of humour, funny stories and different guises as leprechauns. To begin with leprechauns are exclusively male which immediately gives them great scope for mischief. Classic Irish phrase for someone who's a bit loopy, or maybe a daydreamer, 'He's away with the fairies'.

One of the best way to explain funny Irish phrases is by way of jokes and tall stories. However, certain words and phrases should never be uttered in Ireland itself, despite the common misperception that they are "typically Irish." They died a death decades ago, if they were ever used at all. Such phrases include bedad and begorrah, top of the morning, or faith, me darling. Calling a woman a "fine colleen" is likely to lead to you getting a kick in the shins.

Bejeezus (And to Be Shure)

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'

'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.